Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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