All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got chris browned last night
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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