it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
