I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
someone owes me an orgasm
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
