I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
