After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
