He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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