I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
