apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
