The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
