fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
