We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
