I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
