On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
