You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
