If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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