MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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