there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
