That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can text with my tongue
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
