dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
