You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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