When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
