Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
