Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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