Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
