so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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