Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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