Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
