Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
