I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
