We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
