There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
