i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
