I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
