I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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