You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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