I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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