im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
not ubering you a puppy
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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