i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
