So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
