I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize