I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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