I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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