can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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