Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
