so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize