New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
