I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
