who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
