On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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