Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
