I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize