I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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