Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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