So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize