If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
