6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
