It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
