Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
