Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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